Yesterday, something interesting happened. A supervisor on break came up to me while I was waiting for a ride home and asked me if I was the only one that pulls the chickens from the sales floor at closing time. I told her no...with a rather confused look on my face. It turns out Im the only associate that does it on the regular basis. She is the one that turns the hot island off and pulls chickens. I thought that was rather interesting...she told me Im the only one that not only pulls them, but the only one that cleans the island as well.
?but Im the worst associate there?
I called in today. Something about being yelled at constantly at work and then coming home to more yelling just got to me. Oh and Im moving...nowhere great at all. Nope...out of a shed and into a garage. At the same time, work has been hounding me for no reason...cutting my hours but expecting more. While Id like to just say "Fuck em," truth is I want some stability.
At the same time, I feel like I have just fell backwards in life. Yeah before I was just going nowhere...well I feel like I have gone somewhere, just backwards. Sort of like when youre climbing a mountain and think "man Im not getting anywhere" but then realize that you are...youre falling backwards. I do want kids and I do want a permanent place to call my own and it has come to my attention that there will never be a perfect time. Life will always fucking suck for one reason or another. It wont be all glitter and ponies till it is too late.
Let me be honest with myself. I dont want to get out of bed in the morning but I dont want to stay. I dont want to wake up but I have nightmares and dont want to sleep. I dont want to do...anything. I stayed home today because I couldnt stop crying when I woke up. I simply wanted to go back to sleep and never wake up again. But I was dragged out of bed anyway. I watched my boyfriend and his dad put up a shed...and I thought....
- Something about looking out windows makes me happy
- Something about being outside makes me more happy
- Something about being outside in the country (even if its flat country not too far from the city) makes me joyous
- Something about being in the wilder country makes me ecstatic
You know what...fuck work. Fuck the man mostly. Fuck waiting for everyone else. I will run away if I have to. And if I die, at least I was in the pursuit of happiness. I wasnt falling backwards or running in circles. Fuck everyone holding me back saying "oh thats stupid." Fuck em...they didnt even get where they wanted to go. Why? Because they didnt take chances and just gave in eventually. Fuck em. Im no tamable spirit.
